Fish Footballers Recap

I don’t know if this started on ArseBlog or not, but that’s where I picked it up on Twitter. I found most of these really amusing for some reason and since I know many of you enjoy horrible puns, I figured I’d collect them in a post for posterity.

Sea-Basstian Larsson
Stern John Dory
Ruud Mullet
Juan Pablo Angelfish
John Scales
Butch Whelkins
Fabio Au-whale-io
Nicky HaliButt
Fin-nando Torres
Zlatan I-Breem-himovic
Carp Ji Sung/Pike Ji Sung
Sting-Ray Parlour
Victor Anchovy
Jan Moby
Prawn Wright Phillips
Salmon Kalou
Scampi Townsend
Dirk Trout
Cesc Fabre-bass
Herring Berg
Roe-bert Pires
Marlin King
Matt le Fishier
Sole Campbell
Whale Clichy
Gareth Barrycuda
Clam Allardyce
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Magic Pros Photoshop Results

The challenge, which remarkably few of you chose to accept, was to make an MTG pro as a Magic card. I actually love this concept, but somehow missed the mark on generating excitement. These were the entries we received.

1)

2)

3)

4)

And this is an old one from @mrfridays that doesn’t count for the competition.

5) 

I have my own personal favorite chosen, but second and third place will be chosen by you fine folks. 3 prizes for four entries. Vote vote vote!

Magic Pro Photoshop contest and this week’s Quotes

Chris Pikula

The card they make Pikula use when picking teams at Finkel drafts

Once upon a time, Magic players could win a tournament called the Magic Invitational and get their likenesses put on a Magic card. Sadly, that event was discontinued some time ago. The last invitational card produced was Antoine Ruel’s Ranger of Eos.

Just because Wizards isn’t making Magic cards with Pro faces on them any more doesn’t mean we can’t. So today’s contest will be:

Create Magic cards for your favorite/least favorite Pro Tour players. These can be past or present (so something like Ken Krouner as Enraged Baloth or sticking Osyp Lebedowicz’s head at the bottom of Liar’s Pendulum would be acceptable, as would Paulo Da Rosa as Dreamy McElferson (a card I am told Lauren Lee has already posterized on her wall). Please only submit new ‘shops.

Winners will be chosen by me and bonus points will be given for humor, sick photoshop skills, and excellent use of source material. The deadline for this is midnight Sunday eastern time.

1st Prize: Primeval Titan (MODO or RL)
2nd Prize: 10 Magic Online tix or a 10$ SCG gift certificate.
3rd Prize: Something random

Post your entries in the comments below or send them to me at mixedknuts at gmail. Best of luck.

Quotable Quotes

@bmkibler – The Andover Bookstore does not sell hats nearly big enough for my head.

@briankiblersego My head is so big it was once confused for Conley Woods #ohsnap

@briankiblersego My head is so big it was 3/4 of the field at GP Dallas #banjace

@briankiblersego I was going to say my head is so big it was once confused for Antonino DeRosa, but he’s too old school for these kids #tragedy

mixedknut yay, another discon
Riptide i have a good method to avoid disconnections
Riptide (lose)
Kepp hmm, im having a sky eel party tho
Riptide in your pants?
Kepp obv

kaib fp deathmantle
kaib 2p scrapmalter
kaib 3p myrsmith
kaib running well
kaib sword in pack 2 fp, odds on argentum armor for p3?
kaib hm
kaib no argentum armor
kaib steel hellkite is also 6 to cast though
kaib will have to go with that
kaib only equipment bombs, steel hellkite and artifact removal
kaib obviously playing vs some dumb infect deck r1
kaib hah
kaib 5th pick
kaib argentum armor
kaib prolly gonna pass though

Draconis you know what scg needs
Draconis a weekly article on all the judge gossip
Draconis called RikiLeaks

mixedknut flame, what are your feelings on The Bieber
flameWRK the other day i saw this young guy walking hand in hand with a pretty girl
flameWRK i thought “why would she want to be with that child”
flameWRK then i realized…Bieber haircut

kaib if you feel pissed and thate verything is unjust, Kepp, ask ROSHOLM_ for the forum link of some guy who never drafted before and his draft
kaib who made the wrost picks a few times, just completely horrible
kaib and then went on to beat anton a few drafts in
kaib that should pick you up a bit!
Kepp
Riptide can always count on kai for the rubins
Kepp there are a couple of great 3-0 drafts on antons site too
kaib its all i have left

Kepp also, im not sure if there are any japanese essays on swedish christmas traditions floating around
13:27 kaib uh oh
13:28 kaib i heard swedish xmas sport is
13:28 kaib going out there with a gun
13:28 kaib and shooting some guy skiing?
13:28 Kepp yep
13:28 Kepp its extremely difficult tho
13:28 Kepp since you have to ricochet the shot off a moose

Samuel Stoddard: I’d imagine that the US govt seeing wikileaks for the first time is like the poor Japanese guy who got linked to Tubgirl and realized it was his daughter.

Ben Bleiweiss: Congratulations. When I search “Sluttiest Knutson in England” on Google, you don’t even make page 1 of results.
Knutson: goddammit!
Knutson: I’ve even been working on my SEO for that

Riptide: wow those alterations
Riptide: was gonna say “how do they find the time?”
Riptide: then realized im doing my 104th mss-draft

number1GTfan: rating the Man your fave made me all wet in the pants, so thanks for that- heh.
Mixedknuts:  I’m a pleaser!

Mrfridays: the only way you are getting me to listen to a two-hour podcast is if it’s guaranteed to have a code at the end that unlocks sex with Jessica Alba

New Phyrexia, Big Red, Stuff We Liked This Week… and Vibrators

Flores had a solid article this week on DailyMTG.com recapping some cool Regionals decks, but it’s mostly invalidated by the chart that starts the article. You could play any of these spiffy decks to come out of Regionals.

…but if you want to have the best chance of winning, you should play Caw-Blade. Bleh.

There’s also one line in there that absolutely drove me nuts. “[U/G] Genesis Wave is arguably the most powerful deck in the metagame…” Wait a second, it is? Who is arguing this? Everyone I know would argue RUG (or maybe Reid’s BUG list) is probably the most powerful deck in the field, while Caw-Blade is obviously the best deck in the field, so what’s going on here?

What’s that you say? The U/G Wave deck is a Flores creation? It’s the deck he switched to after deciding the Mono-White deck he touted on Friday at SCG – the deck he said on the podcast beats everything – wasn’t good enough? Nice Job, Idiot? I’m so confused – there’s just too much spin for my brain to understand.

From what I’ve seen looking at the Regionals data, Big Red is the deck that has impressed me the most. A number of players seemed to do well with this deck across the U.S., and it has plenty of versatile answers to Kor Firewalker.

Tommy Luke’s Big Red
22  Mountain
2  Tectonic Edge
2  Inferno Titan
4  Kuldotha Phoenix
4  Obsidian Fireheart
4  Burst Lightning
4  Everflowing Chalice
4  Koth of the Hammer
4  Lightning Bolt
4  Sphere of the Suns
2  Staggershock
4  Tumble Magnet

Sideboard
4  Brittle Effigy
3  Pyroclasm
3  Ratchet Bomb
1  Slagstorm
3  Traitorous Instinct
1  Wurmcoil Engine

PV’s Playhouse – Early Thoughts on New Phyrexia
Paulo’s thoughts on a number of the spoiled cards are very insightful, and it’s interesting to see the perspective of a guy who is really a tuner/efficiency expert as opposed to someone like Chapin, who tends to make his early looks at cards more hypothetical and creative. This is particularly true when he’s expressing negative feelings on cards like Torpor Orb or Beast Within – gotta have some faith that Paulo might be right when he says something isn’t good enough. Slightly disheartening that he also says from the cards he’s seen so far, *gulp* Caw-Blade is the deck the benefits the most.

That article used to contain pretty pictures, but I guess CFB had to take them down because they are still bound by their NDA restrictions. The article certainly loses something without even the text of the spoiled cards to look at. Oh well, good thing I have the stupid NPH Godbook on my computer.

As I noted on Twitter, though I was initially very reticent, I think NPH is fascinating. Phybrid mana is going to be extremely skill-testing, and brings life into play as a resource in a way rarely seen before. We used to use it for drawing cards mostly, now you are using it for casting spells and activating abilities. (Landfall did this with ‘extra’ lands too – very clever stuff.)  As someone who has been playing a lot of red recently, I really like the extra tools we’re receiving in that area, though I’m starting to think most red decks may have to maindeck artifact removal for fear of getting rolled by Sword of War and Peace and/or Batterskull.

Yes, Reid Duke, yes yes yes! This is what you should be doing!

You should also read Alexander Shearer on why Surgical Extraction ain’t all that. (And a bag of chips. And 3 snaps in Z formation. You know how it goes, girl.)

Finally, while I don’t know if I wholeheartedly recommend Gerard’s article, it’s difficult not to show love to at least the video sections at the end. Gerard was born to be on/behind the camera and involved in goofy stuff. Here’s just the Conley Woods piece, but the rest are either (unpolished) gems or train wrecks that are hard to look away from.

Random Stuff
The spoiling of New Phyrexia actually sucks ass, and the only site it helped at all was MTGSalvation, at the cost of literally every other Magic site on the planet including DailyMTG.com. Preview season has been blown out of the water, all the excitement of carefully calculated information drips is gone, all the smaller sites have lost the enormous hit boosts previews bring… it’s just a waste of awesome.

I’m glad to see Michael Hetrick writing again, this time over at ChannelFireball. The SCG Talent Search didn’t work out for him, but he has too much talent to keep down for long.

Was also nice to see Michael Jacob writing again over on SCG.

The Magic Online Force of Will situation is a bit messy. Apparently Worth Wollpert made this post back in 2008 regarding never reprinting FoW in the Master’s Editions, etc. http://bit.ly/foSAn3 Legacy is just starting to take off online and it’s an open and exciting format, but Force of Will (along with Wasteland) is the staple of the format and already at 130 tix. (Yes, I know dual lands etc are far cheaper online than in real life, but the potential for a hugely vibrant online legacy scene is there if they could just knock the prices down on Force (and maybe LED).

While Worth has pretty clearly stated FoW will not be tied in to a future Master’s Edition, that does not mean it can’t or won’t appear elsewhere. Part of the beauty of MTGO is that you can address supply deficiencies via promos, prize payouts (like they did with IPA), or even running the right draft queues, thereby making entry into various formats (except Standard – stupid Jace), relatively simple. We’re so close to an awesome, explosive Legacy online format – it just needs the tiniest push to make it happen.

In other (still MTG-related) news, surprise clitoris when reading/viewing something normally isn’t quite as appalling to me as shock dong (think next to John. C Reilly’s head in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story), but it does when it’s a) in a Magic article and b) the person involved is Darwin Kastle’s girlfriend. Special thanks to Dane Young for scarring me.

No, I’m not linking you. No, really. Even I have to draw the line somewhere. Here, have some pictures of Andy Roddick’s wife instead.

I have nothing witty to say about this next piece, but I felt the need to link to it as an element of positive change in the world.

“ The newest model on the shelves is the Tri-Phoria ($39.99), created by the condom company Trojan after a study the company conducted in 2008 in partnership with the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University revealed that over half of American women had used vibrators, and of that group, nearly 80 percent had shared them with their partners. James Daniels, vice president for marketing at Trojan, said: “The idea really came from consumers. They kept telling us vibrators, vibrators. And we just laughed. And then we realized they were serious. 

Never again will Alex Shvartsman be stigmatized when trying to get through airport security while carrying a vibrator. (Also guys, read the quote above again. Girls like vibrators. They use them with partners. *lightbulb*)

Music Time
I linked this on Twitter last week, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been able to stop listening to it. John Legend covered Adele’s Rolling in the Deep by turning it into a spiritual. Gorgeous.

This is the other song from last week I can’t stop listening to- Ellie Goulding’s Lights, remixed by Bassnectar. (Yes, I know the freerunning training gym used it as well. That’s where I got it from in the first place via former Magic R&D member and current Darkspore programmer Paul Sottosanti @psotto).

Speaking of remixes, some of you seemed to enjoy the Robyn song I linked in the Mailbag. Here’s the Trentemoller remix of Konichiwa Bitches (complete with trippy video).

One last song, and the prettiest of the lot. Rosie Thomas and Sufjan Stevens singing Much Farther to Go. Trust me on this one.

–CardGame
@mixedknuts on Twitter

Mind-blowing Alters with Jon Corpora

On most Sunday afternoons, instead of going to church or doing my share of the chores around the house, I wonder to myself, sometimes aloud, “what is better than a Top 8 profile of a Magic player in a Grand Prix tournament?” The answer, of course, is nothing, because they let Magic players fill those things out themselves, and they are always, without fail, hilarious and awesome, and never stupid. Favorable matchup against MTGMOM??? Whaaaa? HILARITY. Magic players are the best.

Something that comes close to the sheer brilliance of a guy saying “I’m pro” in parenthesis in his Top 8 profile and thus cementing his “god-among-men” status is altered cards. Jeremy Froggatt, all around chill bro and bacon enthusiast, has his own column now, where he shows off card alters, and every single freakin’ one blows my mind. Some of the concepts are just out of this world, especially those badass GURU Force of Wills. The seasonal Wastelands are also one of my personal favorites.

I’m not usually one to go a long way to pimp out decks. My system for pimping out my standard/extended deck is really specific and kind of insane – Oldest edition of the card, non-promo, no Portal/Starter, no foils, English only. Aside from constantly praying that Birds of Paradise never shows up in a deck I want to play (Alpha price tag: $200), this system also means that I don’t go much for altered cards, but now that I get to see the cream of the crop on Jeremy’s column, I can now see them for all their awesomeness. Like anyone whose estimation of their own abilities far exceeds what they’re actually capable of, I figured I’d try my hand at it.

These are my supplies. Note the Super Nintendo in the background. Very pro. That bottled beer there, which will serve as my hors d’œuvre for that 12-pack of Killian’s, is a Southern Tier brew named Krampus, recommended to me by my hetero bro Brad. Quoted from the side of the bottle:

European tradition says while St. Nicolas is busy delivering presents to good little boys and girls, Krampus hands out punishments to the bad. A fanged, goat-horned bully, the Christmas Devil uses sticks and chains to beat the naughty children.

Jesus Christ. No wonder Dirk Nowitski has such weird taste in women. Sure beats Krampus.

My non-drinkable supplies are very limited, seeing as they’re all I could find on my first run-through of my kitchen drawers. I foresee the medium-sized black marker to be my workhorse, while the fat marker will pull some serious outlining jobs, and the orange one I’ll probably use for flames or cotton candy or something. The possibilities are literally endless.

The reason I chose Chrome Steed as my card to alter is a monetary one: I like to draft and do so often, thus I have lots of Chrome Steeds to burn.

If I’m being honest, I haven’t really drawn anything since junior high, and even then, those picture were just Dragonball Z doodles in my notebook. I had to get in a different mindset. It helped to ask: What was Jana Schirmer & Johannes Voss’ inspiration here? And looking at this Chrome Steed art… well, it’s a horse. A horse made of metal. A Steed Made Of Chrome, if you will. Let’s take a peek at this flavor text-

“According to Auriok myth, it collects scrap in order to reassemble its lost rider.” Got it. What we have here is a metal rocking horse of accelerated intelligence, trying to find its lost jockey. BUT. Since metal horsie emotions, accelerated as they may be, are still not as acute as those of man, he’s trying to put his jockey back together with random scraps of garbage he finds across Mirrodin in order to create a cross between Tobey Maguire from Seabiscuit and Arnold Schwarzenegger from The Terminator. A kind of half-robot, half-man, half-jockey, if you will. Chrome Steed isn’t the brightest.

So what Chrome Steed is searching for is a half-robot, half-Seabiscuit-guy. Here is a rough sketch that I definitely didn’t draw in my notebook during Geology.

For the purposes of this alteration, we’re gonna go ahead and fulfill the flavor text and stay that El Steed-o de Chrome found and/or put back together his lost jockey. In the words of Evan Erwin, HERE WE GO, YA’LL! YEE HAW.

To start off, I went and did the outline in black, because I saw Jeremy do that a bunch on his cards and it seemed like the thing to do. It turned out okay, even though I messed up that bottom left corner a little bit. Additionally, it turns out that drawing on Magic cards is just like drawing on any kind of currency: it’s fun and awesome.

We start out with the face of our jockey, the most important part of any person, because, hey, let’s face it (fun wordplay!), if you are an ugly person, then you cannot possibly succeed, ever. Nothing will ever come easy to you and you will die bitter and alone. Thank God I’m handsome. So here we are creating a sort of alternate universe in which the steed is not looking for, but wistfully staring at, his chrome.

Here we kick off the starting of our sentient-cyborg-killer-jockey now, utilizing that wild-card orange marker we randomly found in the cupboard to bring attention to his metal parts and show that the are, in fact, shiny. And look! That bottom left-corner fixed itself!

I started to color the sky black, because I wish to convey a story with this piece about, no matter how bad you became in limited once Mirrodin Besieged hit, Chrome will always find Steed, no matter what the cost. So to raise the stakes a little bit (no, I am not sure how this actually raises the stakes), I made it dark outside, because it is HARD to find stuff in the dark. I still haven’t found my special black handcuffs I had made to play with the kids next door with. But then I realized, mid-coloring, that if I made the WHOLE sky black, you wouldn’t be able to see Tobey Maguire’s hook hand, and if you can’t see Tobey Maguire’s hook hand, well, WHAT IS THE POINT?

It’s worth noting that I’ve imbibed quite a bit of alcohol at this point.

So now it’s dark outside. What’s the next step?

Horse on fire! Despite having never seen it, thus not knowing what the basic premise of it is, I know that Man on Fire was a very popular movie. Since Man on Fire is about a man on fire (why else would you call your movie “man on fire?”), why not a horse on fire? Plus, I had to use that orange marker because I’m not about to grab an orange marker and ruin it by drawing all over black marker, just to make a robot appear shiny.
That’s dumb. I am better than that.

I wanted to draw a sun there, because it’s either Mirrodin or Tattooine, can’t remember which, that has two suns, and I wanted to illustrate that in this piece, TWO SUNS RULE THE DAY. However, some IDIOT decided it would be a good idea to black out the sky. I honestly don’t even remember why I ever thought that was a good idea.

And there is your finished product. As it turns out, the combination of alcohol, frustration, and no artistic ability whatsoever takes its toll. The odds were definitely  stacked against me on this one.

@feb31st on Twitter

Quoteable Quotes ca. 2005

I love quotes. People around me say funny things all the time, so when I can, I write them down (or cut and paste from the internet) to save them for posterity.  These are some  from my SCG archives around 2005ish. I’ve tried to update them with real names where possible.

[mixedknut] Your mom stole your car?
[mixedknut] one gets the sense that Brassy’s family is not anywhere
approaching the sphere of “normal”
[(Andy Probasco) BrassMan] yeah well, Brassy gets that feeling too, apparently
[Kowal] His dad programs torpedos

[(Johan Sadeghpour) Sadeg] i saw jens today!
[(Actual Ravitz)zr0e-_-] robot jens
[(not Tom Martell)zr0e-_-] ?
[Sadeg] y
[Sadeg] he actually does a mean robotdance
[zr0e-_-] i know of few swedes that don’t..
[Sadeg] name them.
[zr0e-_-] yes.
[Sadeg] caught you didnt i?
[zr0e-_-] :
[zr0e-_-] i hate you johan.

keitia says: Knutson , my friend , i will give you very last secret information
Card Game says: oh? I love secrets
keitia says: kenji and ruel brothers will team-up
keitia says: and planning to strike Team events all over the world
Card Game says: sweet!
keitia says: including US SOIL !!!
keitia says: you need to call jack bauer, this is the terrorism

Knutson: Gree Dee Emm… what is… fantasista?
BDM: its an animated movie set to classical music about a website editor
who gets these brooms to write draft articles…

[Yawgatog] I don’t know who’d be crazy enough to take the job
[rast-] Yawgatog would!
[Yawgatog] Not crazy enough.
[rast-] think about it
[rast-] yes you are
[Yawgatog] Really not
[rast-] and you’re literate
[rast-] what more is needed
[Yawgatog] Me am not

[{Stone}] I agree
[{Stone}] The mustache is a sign of a bad article
[{Stone}] and it turns me off
[{Stone}] I can’t even sleep with my wife anymore because of the mustache.
[rast-] hers or yours?

Ferraiolo: i dont want to say it too loudly
Ferraiolo: but
Ferraiolo: michael vick: mediocre nfl quarterback? time to face it.
Knutson: he is
Knutson: he never learned to throw well
Ferraiolo: he has the ARM of all ARMS though
Knutson: and the injuries slowed him this year
Ferraiolo: like mike vick has jeff george’s arm and randall cunningham’s legs
Ferraiolo: but like heath miller’s brain

Zvi: Ted should know (since he is an editor) that sometimes, some things
you say get edited.
Zvi: I think that’s bigger news than anything he said about the Japanese
Zvi: someone at Brainburst edited an article!

[pugg_fugg] Hey, Sigler. How do you want to give me my $50?
[JSigler] did i make some awful bet with you?
[JSigler] probably sports related?
[pugg_fugg] Yep.
[JSigler] sigh
[JSigler] i’ll review my finances and have someone from my corporate offices fax
you a restitution form.
[pugg_fugg] The only word I saw in that sentence was “welch.”

[JSigler] My statement of, “Yeah PG” was in response to Hark asking about
the rating on the new Spy Kids movie.
[JSigler] He wanted to make sure he could get his girlfriend in.
[pugg_fugg] Both you and I know that Hark’s girlfriend would only get into
G rated films.

Knutson: player cards 😀
Bleiweiss: Buy a Kai!
Bleiweiss: I fully expect someone like Kibler to place an order for all 100
copies of his own card we have up for sale

Sawyer: yall sell your souls to the eye on the back of the dollar bill
Knutson: clearly
Sawyer: and that’s fine, it exemplifies your ethical boundaries
Knutson: I’ve been whoring out my mother ever since I started working here

BDM: my wife is turning on the TV in the bedroom to watch the Yankees
cry

(Millionaire Playboy Pete) Hoefling: better?
Hoefling: even alphabetized it 😉
Knutson: you da man
Hoefling: that’s how I roll

(Worth Wollpert) Wortho: i didnt even know you guys ran humor
Knutson: we do it all
Knutson: not unlike your mom
Wortho: omg well played

Knutson: concur
Knutson: opinions?
SethBurn: elephanting
SethBurn: to beat them we need to be just as gay as they are
SethBurn: which means persecute/eradicate
Knutson: I was thinking of something more mauve

[TimsWrite (Tim Willoughby)] you attack an island nation (who are the first part of the world
to see the article) on a site proliferated with Brits
[TimsWrite] obv we try to retaliate
[TimsWrite] unfortunately we are a bit crap at battling these days

[flameWRK] oh knut
[flameWRK] snow-wrestling in the streets of Helsinki
[flameWRK] you’ve been listening to Härkönen and Walamies too much
[RuneH] i hear there are polar bears walking the streets of helsinki
[RuneH] even more ferocious than the ones in Oslo
[flameWRK] no, the deadly penguins killed them all years ago

[Simon Carlsson] i just had twilight drover, rotwurm and evangel in play at the same time
[Carlsson] my pants are all wet and sticky now =/

NoahWeil: we decided psychatog would be a little less broken if it was just a
vanilla 5/6 for 3

Bogglor: YOU CLOGGED THE TOILET?
Bogglor: thats the best part of the whole article
Knutson: obv
Knutson: saved it for last
Bogglor: jeeeeesus
Knutson: it was my 4 day dump
Bogglor: yeah i knew it had to be one that you’d packed away for a few days
Bogglor: you store feces like a camel

[platy] i’d rather buy an african
[StrWrsKid] that’s illegal now platy

Aten: this is a VERY IMPORTANT TOURNAMENT ted
Aten: no more phoning it in
Aten: tied w/ kenji and masashi
Aten: not letting them break away

Drunken Kenji Tsumura: Pierre Canali dance is SEXual harassment!